Hello, to a letter I never imagined I would be writing, but here we are.

For all of you who recognize this day because of losing a loved one to suicide, whether it was yesterday or 20 years ago, every step you take forward is one to be proud of.  I had the deepest gratitude for you sticking with us and hanging in with such a tragic loss.  BLESS YOU - each and every day, from the bottom of my heart.

I personally don’t know that we ever heal from a suicide, but take steps to keep on living. I know my heart was shattered, and over time, the pieces started coming back together, differently, of course, as you will never be the same after losing a loved one.

I would love to hear your story of the steps you have taken in your healing journey, to help you move forward.  I want to compile everyone’s journey into one guide for anyone who needs additional ideas or support as we all walk this path. I will add these resources to the Grief pillar in Mullen’s Miracles Community, a safe space to share your stories and read others' stories.

I want to share some of the things I have done and do to help me through the loss of my only child, Eric Mullen, FE26.  It’s been 7 years now, and regardless of time passing, I know until my last breath, Eric will cross my mind and heart a million or so times a day, sometimes through sweet memories, sometimes talking to him, and other times through the depths of pain.

While Eric was still on life support, as we needed to share with other family members, my sister, Kim, asked if I was going to be honest about what happened, as there is such a stigma with suicide; she wanted to understand my position. My answer was YES, I am doing Eric and everyone who needs help a disservice if I am not honest.  Besides, since Eric was in elementary school - we lived by the 3 T’s - Truth, Trust, (I forgot the third T - grief definitely messes with your brain)

The first thing that came to mind was that I knew I couldn’t change Eric’s story, but for Eric and others suffering from mental health issues, I committed my life to doing what I could to educate others and raise awareness so others didn’t experience a suicide loss, especially a child. Eric’s legacy had to be more than his last decision, and that piece became tattooed on my heart.  I don’t know how, I just knew it had to happen.

The first thing my funeral director, Jami, did for me, I didn’t ever know how much it would matter; she took Eric’s fingerprints and saved them for me.  

The first thing I quickly learned is that this is a solo journey, and everyone’s journey is different.  We can all provide guidelines, support, resources, groups, etc. It's your journey, a very intimate and uniquely personal one, and the hardest you are completely unprepared for.

I quickly found words matter - words like ‘committed suicide’ and ‘died by suicide’ made me cringe, every time I heard them.  For me, I got really comfortable with ‘Eric took his life’.  Is it all the same?  Yes.  To this grieving mom, words matter.

I never thought I would have a tattoo, but I got one inside my left wrist, simple, a suicide symbol - open heart with a semi-colon - to go on.  It was a way for me to remember Eric and easily start a conversation about suicide.

Therapy....... not optional for me. I had two, one for a year that specialised in Trauma and the other one was my lifeline through grief for 14 months.  No, this wasn’t cheap, but it made such a difference in how I learned to grieve and what to expect.  Grief is fluid, sometimes forward, sometimes backwards and can be very scary.

Hypnotherapy - I remember walking out of Sean's office after the first session, calling my mom, excited because for the first time I actually felt a bit lighter from the heaviness of grief, starting to find moments of joy.

Workouts, for the first time in my life not to ‘get fit’ but to stay alive.  Tiffany, keep me moving, 3 times a week for a year or so consistently.

I was so blessed to be gifted Equine Therapy, which holds a place in my heart that I cannot express its importance.  My horse for the time, Sasha, had lost a foal, and we were good for each other’s healing. Kim and Savannah will always be my heroes.

Those fingerprints Jami took for me of Eric were made into a pendant I wear everyday.

Nature and hiking truly have been and continue to be the source of my journey.  Jeff and I truly have had the most amazing experiences hiking - especially pushing ourselves.  We spent a lot of time in Oregon in the Columbia Gorge area on my trails there, even discovering the PCT Trail.  We also have hiked parts of the ACT trail, including Blood Mountain twice, on the Angelversary of Eric's death.  PS - Eric loved thrived in the outdoors and hiking, it is a perfect fit for us to carry on.

My ‘sign’ from Heaven from Eric has been feathers and hearts. I started keeping both immediately as I felt closer to Eric.  His absence left an emptiness that couldn’t be filled.  At one point, Jeff told me I couldn’t keep every heart-shaped rock I found, as there were many in Oregon on the trails. I found them in many places - even on my toast one morning.  And a red balloon flew across my car, driving down the highway with no other cars anywhere nearby.  I keep a shared folder on my phone now labelled Hearts from Heaven.

Say their name is such an important piece of my life to stay healthy and live each day.  

I didn’t have a clue about Eric’s last Christmas at the time, yet I had a nagging feeling that we needed family pictures, which we did.  I treasure all the photos, videos, texts, and messages from Eric.  Moments Matter.  Treasure them.  Take the Picture.  Hold tight to memories.  I revisit them regularly.

I knew sadness had over taken my life, for years, and one day I looked in the mirror, and my eyes sparkled - for the first time.  Hope some in really small packages.  You have to be open to finding these moments.

Self-care, Journaling, patience, practicing gratitude, hanging on to Hope, and reaching out to God have helped me.  Oddly enough, treasuring the different pieces and phases of grief, I have found, to be the most intimate love I have ever experienced.

I remember each morning, after waking, I would be grateful to be one day closer to death and to reconnecting with Eric.

Now I treasure the beauty in life.  Mark, one of my therapists, was right; he levelled me as a parent, experiencing an out-of-order death, it would take 3-5 years to find joy again.  I think I was a bit longer than that, yet I keep finding the deepest, most unexplainable, treasured love through this process.

Please, please share your stories...... I would really love to share personal stories about how you have survived such a loss.

My love was and is centred around Eric, just differently now, until my last breath is taken.

Prayers and love through the upcoming holidays and beyond.

You can always reach me if I can help in any way.

Written from my heart....

Much Love,

Kathy